Tumbling Down
by Akurei5
Summary: Asuka/Shinji One-shot. My re-write of the hospital room scene from End of Evangelion.


Shinji entered the hospital room at NERV and saw Asuka lying on the hospital bed. At first she just appeared to be sleeping, but as Shinji got closer, it looked as if she were in a coma. She lay motionless. She was dressed in a white hospital gown exposing only her forearms and lower legs. The blanket was crumpled up at the side of the bed as if she had kicked it away while tossing and turning during a bad dream. She looked thin and pale. Her eyes were open and she was staring at the ceiling but her face was pallid and her expression blank. There was no life in her eyes and Shinji felt as though looking into her pupils was like looking into an endless void or rather into the eyes of a corpse whose soul had already departed.

Shinji pulled up a chair and sat down. He didn't quite understand how she got like this. She hadn't suffered any major wound or injury on the battlefield. He knew she was upset after what happened with Arael and because of her declining sync levels with Unit 02, but he didn't realize to what extent it had affected her. Mentally, Shinji himself was almost in the same condition as her. He had fallen into the depths of despair after slaying Kaoru. He had been forced to murder his only friend, the only person who listened to him, and the only one who seemed to genuinely care about him. It's almost as if it were some sort of cruel joke, or a nightmare. Although Misato's intentions were noble, her words offered him little solace. As a result, he felt more detached from the world than ever. To Shinji, it was almost as if the rest of the world was full of two-dimensional cutouts rather than real people, who were completely apathetic to his pain and seemed to go about their business as if nothing had happened. Asuka was the only person he felt he could reach out to. Strange as it might have sounded, he felt that she was the only person he could trust. She was the only person who seemed real to him and the only person who didn't seem to have some sort of ulterior motive.

*****Asuka's POV*****

To Asuka, the hospital room felt like a prison. The white walls and the lack of windows were stifling. Time seemed to pass in a daze between varying degrees of consciousness without even knowing what day it was anymore. She couldn't move. She felt paralyzed not from an injury sustained during battle but by her own fractured state of mind. She lost not only her self-confidence as an Eva-pilot but also her will to keep fighting, or even living.

Even though she didn't see him, Asuka could feel Shinji's presence as he entered the room and sat beside her. Up to now, Misato had been the only non-medical personal who occasionally checked in on her. But Asuka thought that Misato came more out of a sense of obligation to the mission rather than a genuine concern for her well-being. Although Shinji's character was weak, his personality was a bit repulsive, and he was somewhat of a pervert; his concern for her was not dependent on her ability to pilot the Eva.

However, Shinji had his own reasons for seeking attention from her. Sometimes she thought that he only showed concern for her because he desperately wanted this to be reciprocated and to feel some sort of warmth and affection from someone else. In his eyes, she seemed just vulnerable enough to fall for it. He followed all of Misato's orders out of fear of punishment or in the hopes of praise from his father, Misato, and everyone else. He had no ambition or goals of his own. He was pathetic.

Even so, he was the one who had humiliated her on the battlefield. He took away her pride, her self-confidence, and her will. He was the cause of her misery. Yet despite all his victories, he seemed just as miserable as her. After seeing how wretched and pathetic he was, her anger towards him began to fade. It was replaced with disgust. How could she envy someone like him? She pitied him.

Why did he come here anyways? What did he want with her? One thing that bothered her was that she didn't quite know why Shinji had continuously sought her out. He obviously had selfish reasons, but was there something more to it than that? She knew that he found her attractive physically. Did he merely want her to satisfy his carnal desires and to shower him with the love and affection he had so obviously been deprived of all these years? Or was it possible that he really cared about her? Did he want to help her, or himself? Would he just end up using her?

Although she hated to admit it, the very same thing could be said about her! She didn't want to be alone and had exploited Shinji's attraction towards her in an attempt to find a momentary cure for her loneliness. Even their reasons for piloting the Eva were ultimately the same. They both fought to justify their existence and for the praise of others. They both sought affection from someone else and they both tried to use each other for selfish reasons. In the end, they were very similar. This fact disgusted her and she hated not only Shinji, but also herself. Despite this, she still needed an answer to her question, were his intentions noble or egocentric? She didn't care if she was being hypocritical by asking this question. She could forgive him on the condition that he acted out of a sincere wish to emotionally connect with her rather than out of a desperate need to feel some sort of love and acceptance from her to alleviate his own self-destructive thoughts.

*****Shinji's POV*****

Unlike Asuka, Shinji never wanted to pilot the Eva. He hated the job and tried numerous times to leave. He was considering doing it again. But he was sick of being alone and …

He was sick of being alone and he knew he would be if he ran away, at least for a while. Was that why he came here? Was he simply trying to find someone to cure his loneliness? Did he need someone to help him get over his own psychological trauma caused by the recent battles? Sure, that was part of it. But after their time together, he felt that he had development a strong attachment to Asuka. He cared about her well-being for her own sake, not his.

Despite the fact that Kaoru was an angel, Shinji felt that he learned more about human interaction from Kaoru than anyone else. He learned that in order for two people to connect, someone has to take the first step as Kaoru did with him. Neither him nor Asuka was really capable of doing so before. Furthermore, someone had to have a certain strength of character for the other to lean on in times of emotional distress. Kaoru had done this for him as well, until he betrayed him. But was it really betrayal? Kaoru could have easily killed Shinji but instead made the ultimate sacrifice for him because he loved him.

Shinji cared deeply for Asuka and he wanted her to know it. He wanted to get closer to her. He wanted her to let him inside her world: her insecurities, her passions, her ambitions, and even her painful memories. That's the other part of why he came here, he wanted to take the first step and reach out to her.

"Asuka, I know you despise me. I can understand if you resent me or find me disgusting. I never meant to take away your pride. I've always thought that you were stronger, smarter, and braver than me. I always admired your courage. I never knew how much my alleged success on the battlefield affected you until Misato explained it to me. I was too caught up in my own problems to realize. I can assure you that my victories were quite inadvertent. It seems our synchronization level with the Eva is affected by our emotional state. So if you're distracted by something…" Shinji trailed off and went silent.

There was no response from Asuka.

What was the point in him talking to himself? Shinji sat and stared at her. Memories of his time with Asuka came flooding back. She had mocked and derided him a lot, but it was never malicious. He realized now that she was just trying to protect herself by putting him down. She had rejected his every advance for help or otherwise. But one incident in particular with a shattered coffee pot stood out in his mind.

"I even asked you for help and you refused me. Do you remember that? I had hoped that we could confide in each other. But that didn't happen." After pausing for a moment, Shinji asked, "was I really so awful?"

There was no response from Asuka.

Realizing that at that particular point in time, his reasons for reaching out to her were entirely self-interested, Shinji answered his own question, "I suppose I am a terrible person."

No response.

Shinji stood up and walked to the side of the bed. He leaned down and placed his right hand on top of her left hand, it was slightly cold. Without knowing whether or not Asuka could hear him, Shinji starting speaking to her again. "I am going to leave NERV, this time for good." Shinji paused before continuing. "I wanted you to come with me."

Asuka continued to lay motionless. Had she heard anything he said? He then put his left hand on her shoulder. He gently shook her a few times in an effort to rouse her, but she was unresponsive. Was she really in a coma? Shinji eventually grew frustrated and said what was really on his mind.

"We'll always have our problems, but at least we wouldn't have to face them alone. We'd have each other. We could be there for each other." He pleaded with her. "I don't care if you hate me, I care about you … a lot. I know I've hurt you in the past, but I'll never do it again. I'd never abandon you."

No response.

He stood up and decided that he should probably leave. It didn't seem that there was anything he could really do.

He was about to head to the door, but just as he lifted his hand off of hers, he felt Asuka grab his hand and squeeze it weakly. Shocked, he turned back around and saw that she was looking at him. There was a flicker of light in her eyes. Her blank emotionless stare was replaced by one that seemed languid, yet simultaneously expressive and very much alive. She looked him in the eyes and without saying a single word, conveyed her willingness to leave with him. Never before had Shinji understood so clearly what she wanted. He was mesmerized by her look.

*****Asuka's POV*****

He was looking right at her; no one has ever really looked at her before, the real her, past all the barriers she put up to protect herself. Her heart was pounding. She wasn't even quite sure herself why she suddenly grabbed him; perhaps it seemed like her only way to escape. She wanted to get out of here, away from this place, away from the Eva. These things reminded her of her failure.

She hadn't understood word-for-word what Shinji had said but she understood his intentions on an emotional level. She thought about what Misato had told her about how Shinji wished to launch during the fight with Arael to come to her aid. He was also the only one who checked on her afterwards. Maybe he really did care about her? Despite her misgivings, she decided to give him another chance. And owing to the similarity of their deep-rooted emotional problems, she was really giving herself another chance as well.

Shinji disconnected the electrodes and the I.V. from Asuka. He placed his arms under her and carefully lifted her up. She winced from the pain as he did. When he finally stood up all the way, she instinctively grabbed his shirt collar with her left hand as if to hang on to him. Surprised by her sudden jolt, he paused and looked down at her. She didn't return his gaze this time, but her eyes glistened and he could tell that there was life behind them. Neither of them had felt the touch of another person in a long time. Everything stood still for a moment and they both enjoyed the feeling of being so close to each other. She let go of his collar and wrapped her arm around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt so weak and every muscle in her body ached. As a result, these simple movements seemed to require a prodigious effort. She relaxed in his embrace.

"It's your strength that I need now." – Shinji whispered in her ear.

*****Asuka's POV*****

Something about him seemed different, but she didn't know what it was. He exhibited an uncharacteristic confidence and determination. There seemed to be an almost stoic quality about his character now. In the past, their efforts to bond with one another only served to further separate them. After everything that happened, maybe they were both ready now? Some might argue that each of them needed 15 years of therapy before they were in a position to forge a healthy relationship with someone else, but she would argue that what they really needed was each other.


End file.
